I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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