Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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