My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
