glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
