i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
