Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
