WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
