the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm at about main and main street
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
