Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
