just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
