I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
this is an emotional support booty call
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
