I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
