Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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