i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
