Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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