grandma shit on top of the toilet
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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