I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
