matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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