She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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