At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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