dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
