That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
