watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
