why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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