cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
