Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
