Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
