he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
