He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
