I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
