I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
