i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
