Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
