I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
