My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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