My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
