i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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