we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
