glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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