Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
