i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
