who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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