I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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