I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
