You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
