So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Randomize
