Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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