Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
