I should be sponsored by Trojan
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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