A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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